Why does it always seem that the most inopportune times are the times I desire to write?!  Today it was at work.  Since we are not allowed to use the internet for "non-work related" stuff, I decided to write it out by hand.  I figure no one will get on my case for that. 

When I'm at work I'm allowed to listen to my ipod.  Because I have a video ipod, I can watch movies too.  One of my all time favorite movies is Pride and Prejudice- the 2005 version with Keira Knightly.  I don't want to turn this into a debate about which Mr. Darcy was better: Matthew Macfayden or Colin Firth.  But I am simply in love with Mr. Darcy.  Lord help any boy I happen to meet with the last name of Darcy.  So I'm watching the movie for something like the 8th time this week, and realizing that I live in this fantasy world.  I desire the love of a fictional character, instead of living in the here and now, in my own story.  And then I took a minute to listen to the desires of my heart.  The desire for love, the desire for a husband, a family.  And because I was not finding them in real life, I chose to bury myself in someone else's love story. 

I was telling a good friend of mine last night that I needed a boy.  She then reminded me that I simply WANTED one, and I didn't NEED one.  And other than a few superficial things, I couldn't really explain to her why I felt I wanted a significant other.  Here's why:

I desire to be close to someone.  Emotionally. Spiritually. Physically.
I want someone to call me at the end of my day to ask me how my day went.  I want "good morning" texts and "sleep well" texts.  I want someone who will stay on the phone with me until I get tired enough to sleep.  I want someone to talk to at 4am when I have that frightening dream.  I want someone to hug me and tell me its alright when I'm upset, or when I'm simply being nonsensical. I want someone to tell me they love me- and not just in a platonic way.  I want someone to kiss me on the top of my head...just because.  I want to fall asleep in someone's arms while watching a movie.  I want someone to come suprise me at work.  I want to be able to put a "plus one" on wedding invitations.  I want to send out wedding invitations.

I want my true love.

I don't know what God has in the cards for me.  I don't know if I'll meet my future husband tomorrow, or when i'm 35.  I don't know if God even desires marriage for me.  But as a woman, I know the desires of my heart.  I'm human, with raw emotion...even if sometimes that means being ridiculous and romantic at times. 

And one day, I hope to find someone that loves me for me. Crazy romantic notations and all.

This a beautiful song by Bethany Dillon  called "My Love Hasn't Grown Cold," that has meant so much to my heart in the past few days.  I've struggled with feeling far from God, and feeling as if He's stopped loving me...simply because I cannot feel Him right now...but I know that isn't true.  I hope it means as much to you as it does to me...


You shake your head
What is so hard to believe?
When you are in your bed
I sing over you the sweetest things
Because oh, my love, it does not tire
I’m awake when the moon is full
And I know the times when you feel lost
And you just aren’t sure

Lo and behold
My love hasn’t grown cold
For you

You could steal away in the middle of the night
And hide in the light of day
While you cloak yourself in the darkest lies
But oh, my love, it swims in the deepest oceans of fear
And as soon as you lower your head
I am here

If only you could see how heaven stills when you speak
I know all your days
And I have wrapped you in mystery
And oh, my love for you is as wide as the galaxies
Just hold out your hand and close your eyes
And come be with me

So, I have a ridiculous amount of away messages that I never use…but I also never delete them because they are quote or lyrics that I like too much…some have authors/sources, others don’t...I suck at keeping track of those things! Haha.

 

So I thought I’d put them on here so you could enjoy them as well!

 

 

AndretheGiant II: woah now chica, pretty sure you're a girl, and I'm pretty sure girls don't drink beer

Auto response from mswags09: a fire pit, a beer, steak dinner, and family makes for a great evening at home

AndretheGiant II: shouldn't you be concocting some fruity mixed drink with a messload of pieces of fruit in it or something?

 

The Gospel that we carry is not safe. It is not. It is not manageable. Not efficient. Loving people is not efficient. But the Gospel IS good and it IS true.... It's not for the faint of heart. " –Derek Webb

 

Jesus, folks-He is NOT safe. He is not manageable. He's a wild Lion, you cannot tame Him. He's not safe. But He is good, and He is King. You can trust Him. You can trust that He will provide for you what you need, as you go out and you seek to tell people about Him. The Gospel that we carry is not safe. It is not. It is not manageable. Not efficient. Loving people is not efficient. But the Gospel IS good and it IS true.... It's not for the faint of heart. " –Derek Webb

 

"if we seek to neuter the gospel, just to rob it of its great offense and therefore its great beauty, then its no longer the gospel we are preaching to people. We are not doing anyone any favors by making the gospel easier to hear. because it ceases to be the gospel."

-derek webb

 

Wisdom light my way into the dark.

Your words, the melody that carries me.

We can't make a change til we know who we are.

What burns? The fire refining me.

-Emery

 

There is a part of me that always sees the easy way out. If it doesn't hurt, then not another word. You keep the reasons all but hidden, it feels like we will drown. So why hold on, when it's so far gone. Is there a chance, just a chance that you need me. Or are we better off thinking that in this dance the romance is a secret. But I'm not quite sure I believe yet. With my eyes, with my words. Catch me I'm slipping through... So we rise and fall. Catch me I'm slipping through your fingers.

-Emery: "Churches and Serial Killers."

 

I take for granted the grace that is given me

daily I know, oh.

How can you say that you love me when all that I want.

All that I want is your blessing and then I am gone.

Nothing I do can make up for the things I have done

Your love is all we need. We're gonna make it.

So let's close our eyes tonight and just believe.

-Emery

 

"Just because I'm subject to the frailty that is human emotion it does not justify my blindness to my blessings."

 

Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one's weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart.

-Mahatma Gandhi

 

When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

 

Life is a storm, my young friend. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes.

-Count of Monte Cristo

 

"But the bare goodness of God is what ought to be preached and known above all else, that God saves us out of pure goodness, without any merit of works, so we in turn should do the works without reward or self-seeking, for the sake of the bare goodness of God."

-Martin Luther

 

So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

-Matthew 6

 

sleep comes easily to me

against the wall vibrations rock

gently into dreamless sleep

your muffled voice i do not block

i always wanted you to sing me to sleep

-Bekah Garton

 

In every generation, there's that rare breed of people that can see what nobody else sees... and I don't mean they can see what God's doing, but there's that quality of person, that heart, that rare person that sees and nothing can distract them; they stand unmoved with their face set like flint towards the kingdom of God. The simplicity and purity of love for Jesus. And normally they become very famous Christians...because of the violent nature of the simplicity of devotion they are separated in the body of Christ and they are exalted because of the unusual nature of their heart. And I guess it's good that we honor them, but it's only bad that there are so few of them."

~Mike Bickle

 

"Manny:'Thats what you do in a herd, you look out for each other.'

Sid:'I dont know about you guys but we are the weirdest herd I have ever seen.'"

and this is how my roomies function

 

so close to reaching that famous happy end

and almost believing this was not pretend

Lets go on dreaming for we know we are so close and still so far....

-jon mclaughlin

 

Somewhere there's a break in the weather

Where your heart and spirit go free

Someday it'll be for the better

Let this bring you peace...

 

Let Me bring you joy, let Me bring you peace

Take these tears that you cry and trust them to Me

Let Me give you heart and let Me give you hope

Be the one constant love that you've never known...

-N Sync

 

The way is not in the sky, the way is in the heart. See how you love whatever keeps you from your journey? The way is not in the sky, the way is in the heart. All things arise and pass away but the awakened awake forever.

 

AndretheGiant II: you can't show emotion when you're typing

mswags09: you're patronizing me..i can tell

AndretheGiant II: you can tell from my typing?what, like, each font has a different tone to it? is that what you're saying? should I type in big comical letters when I'm happy now?is that what you want?

 

we took off our coats cause we finally realized

that it's not the weather that was making us feel cold.

my thoughts still left at the back door

and you still bothering me for

not looking you straight in the eyes,

but I'm not this time;

so I looked right through you to the passing trees

and focused on just one; you asked

'why is everything so different after dark?'

I told you this once, but you took it with a grain of salt

 

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life

You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light

As I exhale I hear your voice

And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise

And from my lips the words I choose to say

Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise

Because I love you...Oh God, I love you

-relient k

 

It's late and i'm feeling so tired having trouble sleeping

this constant compromise, between thinking and breathing

 

 And sometimes when you're trying to sleep

And all your doubts and your faith don't agree        

Sometimes the hardest thing to believe is the truth

 

A signal flashes faintly from the shore.

Echos in the distance with the sound of your voice.

Nothing's ever seemed so far away

 

The Lord bless you and keep you;

the Lord make his face to shine upon you

and be gracious to you;

the Lord turn his countenance upon you

 and give you peace.

-Numbers 6:24-26

 

Somehow the story goes

That through breaking your heart knows

That somewhere else it needs to be...

-Brad Brewer

 

 Peace of conscience, peace with God

We obtain through Jesus' blood

Jesus' blood speaks solid rest

We believe and we are blest

-Derek Webb

 

The devil is preaching the song of the redeemed

That I am cursed and gone astray

I cannot gain salvation...embracing accusation

-Shane and Shane

 

There is a place I call my own

Where I can stand by the sea,

And look beyond the things I've known ,

And dream that I might be free.

Like the bird above the trees

Gliding gently on the breeze,

I wish that all my life I'd be

Without a care and flying free!

 

"After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music."

Hope you enjoyed them!