Why does it always seem that the most inopportune times are the times I desire to write?! Today it was at work. Since we are not allowed to use the internet for "non-work related" stuff, I decided to write it out by hand. I figure no one will get on my case for that.
When I'm at work I'm allowed to listen to my ipod. Because I have a video ipod, I can watch movies too. One of my all time favorite movies is Pride and Prejudice- the 2005 version with Keira Knightly. I don't want to turn this into a debate about which Mr. Darcy was better: Matthew Macfayden or Colin Firth. But I am simply in love with Mr. Darcy. Lord help any boy I happen to meet with the last name of Darcy. So I'm watching the movie for something like the 8th time this week, and realizing that I live in this fantasy world. I desire the love of a fictional character, instead of living in the here and now, in my own story. And then I took a minute to listen to the desires of my heart. The desire for love, the desire for a husband, a family. And because I was not finding them in real life, I chose to bury myself in someone else's love story.
I was telling a good friend of mine last night that I needed a boy. She then reminded me that I simply WANTED one, and I didn't NEED one. And other than a few superficial things, I couldn't really explain to her why I felt I wanted a significant other. Here's why:
I desire to be close to someone. Emotionally. Spiritually. Physically.
I want someone to call me at the end of my day to ask me how my day went. I want "good morning" texts and "sleep well" texts. I want someone who will stay on the phone with me until I get tired enough to sleep. I want someone to talk to at 4am when I have that frightening dream. I want someone to hug me and tell me its alright when I'm upset, or when I'm simply being nonsensical. I want someone to tell me they love me- and not just in a platonic way. I want someone to kiss me on the top of my head...just because. I want to fall asleep in someone's arms while watching a movie. I want someone to come suprise me at work. I want to be able to put a "plus one" on wedding invitations. I want to send out wedding invitations.
I want my true love.
I don't know what God has in the cards for me. I don't know if I'll meet my future husband tomorrow, or when i'm 35. I don't know if God even desires marriage for me. But as a woman, I know the desires of my heart. I'm human, with raw emotion...even if sometimes that means being ridiculous and romantic at times.
And one day, I hope to find someone that loves me for me. Crazy romantic notations and all.
Comments (4)
I also enjoy Pride and Prejudice. The first time I saw it was in a "cheap seats" theater during a matinee showing on a Friday afternoon in January. I was 23 at the time, and most of those in attendance were senior citizen ladies. One thing in particular that stood out to me that day was the reaction of those older ladies to Mr. Collins when he was attempting to "make his bid" with the heroine of the story. They laughed at him, and I felt bad for him. I know full well, as Elizabeth herself said, "He's ridiculous." He was. I understand the need for particularity, but at the same time I wonder if Miss Charlotte Lucas might have been on to something when she said, "Not all of us can afford to be romantic." There's nothing wrong with "romantic," but its important also to be realistic. Sinclair Ferguson wisely wrote that when it comes to marriage we should be realistic in our expectations and biblical in our preparation.
I feel ya, girl. As much as I pretend otherwise, I generally want those same things, mine's just a different approach...I hate chick flicks because they remind me of what I want, so I avoid them. Something God's taught me over the years with my various relationships (I was in them more than out of them for a long time) is that I am strong on my own. I'm learning that I don't need a guy, because I am complete on my own because God made me. If God has a great guy in store for me though, we'll be a force to be reckoned with because of that strength I have alone. And I have complete faith it's the same for you! You are an amazing, strong, talented woman, and best of all, a woman of God - any guy would be so blessed to be with you, and he'll be the best because it who God is preparing for you, if that's his will. Pair up an awesome girl with an awesome guy, and you get...a whole lot of awesomeness that'll change the world. And I, for one, can't wait to see what God has in store for you. But I mean, you know all this. It's just a matter of always believing it, and that's the hard part.
In the meantime, with our respective lack of those guys in our lives, let's be in this world together so that we really enjoy the life God's given us right now. If we're wrapped up in fantasy land, we might miss those real-life guys when they do come along. ;)
Love you darlin', can't wait to see you this weekend!
-Sara
That's an amazing movie! Sadly, I have found him, but I'm not sure he is as committed to the Lord as am (which you probably have gleamed from my most recent blog.). But what can you do really? I guess I just have to keep praying, and the answers will come to me. Good luck to you! Sometimes fantasy is better than reality, I'm guilty of submerging myself in Nicholas Sparks books! And I recently watched Enchanted, and was believing in fairy tales all over again, haha.